Not a Good Day For Relena
by Nanashi100 HeeroMaxwell100
Summary: The g-guys are bored and decide to kill Relena


Not a good day for Relena

Authors: Jessie H. and Jessie T.

rating: pg-13(language, violence, sexual content)

humor

A/N: JH: this stupid, immoral fic is based on our Instant Message that got a little out of hand:)

JT: *sigh* everything gets out of hand with us, doesn't it?

JH: seems that way

JT: anyway, on with the show!

JH: enjoy:)

Disclaimer: we don't own anything, so don't sue us. thanx!

WARNING!!!: major Relena bashing, yaoi(1x2, 2x1 3x4,4x3) not for Relena fans, or anti-yaois

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Not a good day for Relena

The g-boys are sitting in the large living room of one of the Winner mansions. Heero and Duo are playing Battleships(tm) on the floor. Trowa is reading a book, and Quatre is rearranging his collection of stuffed animals. Wufei is outside practicing karate.

Wufei:* walks in dripping with sweat* Winner! why are you playing with those weak toys?!?

Quatre:*frowns* Wufei, you are getting sweat all over my beautiful Persian rug! these arent toys, and I'm not playing with them.

Wufei: *sneers* you are a weak onna.

Quatre:*grins, and sorts through animals, pulling out a panda*

Wufei:*eyes water* lookie at the cutie panda wanda!!!^-^

*grabs panda and runs away*

Quatre:*sigh*-_-; there goes another stuffed animal. Last time it was a lion *glares over at Trowa*

Trowa: *sensing Quatre's stare* Whaaaaaaaaaaaat????? It was toooo cuuuuuuute!

Minna:O_o;

Duo: damnit, Heero, you jerk, you sunk my last battleship!

Heero:*snicker* your tactical skills suck

Duo:they do not!

Heero: they do, too!

they go on and on for 5 minutes. Duo gets Heero in a headlock and they wrestle

Trowa:*throws book down and looks at the boys* WILL YOU TWO SHUT UP ALREADY!?!?!?!?

Minna:O_O;*stares, Duo and Heero freeze in mid-tumble*

Quatre:hehe I didn't know you had it in you, Trowa!

Trowa: *blinks* neither did I

Heero:*unfreezes and tackles Duo*

Duo: hey, no fair!*pinned under Heero* get off!

Heero: *sits calmly on Duo* I don't feel like it

Duo: *gasps for air* you're heavier then you look, ya know

Quatre: I'd get off, Heero, if I were you. Trowa's getting mad

Heero: well, you're not me, and why should I? I'm comfortable.

Duo:O_o say what?

Trowa: *becomes calm again* I don't care, as long as Duo stops whining

Duo: c'mon, Heero-chan! get offmhphm......!

Heero: *pulls one of Duo's socks off and stuffs it in his mouth*

after much thrashing and flailing, Heero finally gets off

Heero: fine, no massage for you tonight.

Minna:O_O;;;;;

Duo: aw, Hee-chan come off it! what was I supposed to do, you were sitting on me and I couldn't breathe!

Heero: your point?

Duo: *mumbles curses*

Quatre: Duo! 

Duo: whaaat? I'm pissed!

Quatre: but your foul language is damaging my innocent ears*covers ears protectively*

Wufei:*walks in* I'm bored. Maxwell, what do you want to do?

Duo: *looks at Wufei in astonishment* you're asking ME?

Wufei: well, your name IS Maxwell.....I would ask Winner, but he'd probably make us dress up in tu-tu's and dance with those infernal 'stuffed animals'

Quatre: I would not! I'd......uh, let you wear a blue tu-tu

Wufei: and that is why I have chosen Maxwell

Duo:*smiles* I'm special!

Heero:*socks Duo* answer Wufei's question, Duo......

Duo: itai! uh, read really funny fanfics about us on Fanfiction.net...?

Minna: how about.....not

Quatre: *sigh* we did that LAST night

Duo: *grin* I knew that...... how about, killing Relena?

Wufei: well, it sounds appealing

Quatre: maybe, as long as we don't make a mess...

Trowa: Woo hoo! I'm in!

minna: O_o;

Heero: mission: accepted with great enthusiasm

the boys pull out their artillery, and Duo pulls out a device that looks like a Dragon Ball Finder 

minna: Duo, what's that?

Duo: *grins* a cheap Peacecraft Detector!

minna: O_O Duo!

Duo: what? I've wanted to do this for a while. she keeps giving Heero nightmares. *whispers* she stalks him....

Heero*shifts uncomfortably*

Trowa: *cough, cough*

Quatre: well, maybe she has nothing else to do

Dou: no, because she thinks he's a hot stud that will serve her every hentai wish. and I'm just putting it nicely

Quatre: *blushes*

Wufei: *nosebleed*

Duo: aaaand he doesn't dig chicks

Trowa: how do you know?

Duo: *takes a deep breath* because....he's the gayest male on the face of the earth, and we make wild monkey butt love every night for hours

Wufei: drops unconsious to the floor because of a massive blood loss

Quatre: *clamps hands over ears, and his whole face is red*

Trowa:* holds kleenex to his nose*

Heero: Duo....baka*head falls onto the coffee table* owwww.....

Duo: oops...did I say that outloud? hehe, well, it's not like Trowa and Quatre aren't flaming homosexuals

Trowa:O_O cough, where'd you get THAT idea?

Quatre: *blushes*

Duo: well, I accidentally walked in on you two in the shower washing each others' hair

Quatre and Trowa: //_O; O_O;

Heero: so THAT'S where all of the Herbal Essence went-_-

Wufei: *the pool of blood has expanded at that last comment*

Duo: ewwww.....Wu-Man! you're getting blood all over my new sneakers!

Wufei: oooooh, I just had a vision of Quatre and Trowa in the shower....OW!

Quatre: oops... I didn't mean to kick him so hard

Wufei: *kicked unconsious*

Duo: *turns on Peacecraft Detector* well, Relena is...Some where in the radius of 2 miles from here.

Heero: in which direction?

Duo: doesn't say

Heero: well, that's not much help...*turns on laptop and starts typing*

Duo: like I said, it was cheap^_*

10 min. later...

Heero: there. she is at...Hooters(O_O;) working the evening shift.

Duo: how can she work at Hooters? aren't there, uh, requirements for working there?

Heero: guess they cut a little(ahem, alotta) slack for the Queen of the World. well, *picks Wufei up and throws him over his shoulder* let's go hunt down the bitch. 

1 hr later, outside of Hooters, in Quatre's pink mini-van, which says "I'm a Winner, gotta love me" on the side:

Duo: how about we go in, enjoy a meal, bring her out here to the...uh, van, and blow her brains out!^_^

Quatre: yeah, but how will we get Relena out here?

Wufei: *now consious* we do have Yuy with us.....

Heero: *catches on* no, no, no

Duo: aw, come on! it's part of the 'mission'. I promise I won't be jealous^-^

Heero: nothing will make me pretend to seduce RELENA!.....except...

Duo: except......Homemade Duo Maxwell Oatmeal Cream Pies!(a/n if you don't get the joke, don't worry about it^-^)

Heero: yeah.....*salivates*(a/n for you people who don't know what that is, we'll just say it's the equivalent of 'slobers')

Minna:O_o; uh oh.

the G-boys walk into Hooters and pick a table. As if by chance, Relena walks over to them, wearing a tight shirt that showed just how small her chest really was.

Relena: welcome to Hooters.*authomatically leans over*I will be your waitress, my name is Queen Relena and you must all bow down to ME!!! how may I help...HHHHHHHEEEEEEEEERRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRROOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!

Heero: *deep sigh* time to put this plan in motion.

Duo:*snicker* this should be interesting

Relena: *starry eyed* my prince! you've come to whisk me away to heaven!

Heero:*mutters* that's the general idea...

Relena: I knew you loved me!

Heero:*rolls eyes* think what you want to think, but I.....!O_O

Relena: *leans over table and plants one on Heero* 

Heero: *totally digusted, senses Duo's anger rising, and desperately searches for a barf bag*

Relena: *eyes fly open, and spy the other guys*

Relena: oh. hi.

Minna:hn.

Heero:*stunned*

Duo:*seeing red*

Trowa: *silence, cough cough*

Quatre:*covers eyes*_

Wufei: *whipes away small trickle of blood from nose*

Relena: *whispers in Heero's ear* lets ditch 'em and find some place to make out^_*

Heero:*gags* uh, hold on. meet you outside*runs over to bathroom with Duo hot on his tail*

Trowa: excuse us, too*pulls Quatre and Wufei behind him*

In the bathroom:

Heero: *hunched over the toilet*

Duo: your'e ok, just breathe deeply*rubs Heero's back*

Heero:*throws up his lunch* ugh...Relena KISSED me!

Duo:well, it coulda been worse, she coulda used her tongue...

Heero:*leans over the toilet and throws up again*Duo...you didn't have to mention that...

Duo^_^ sorry, buddy. you feel better now?

Heero:let's go kill the bitch

Duo:*grins* I'll take that as a 'yes'

Wufei: are you finished hugging the porcelain, Yuy?

Quatre: Wufei, be nice!

Wufei: I can't, it's not my nature!

Trowa: good grief...

Duo: are we gonna go carry out the mission?

minna: yeah!

In the parking lot, Relena is eying the wierd pink van that has "I'm a Winner, gotta love me" written on the side.

Relena: hmmm, that name looks familiar...

just then, Heero comes out, while the other guys hide behind 

the, uh, van.

minna:*loads guns and sharpen weapons* we're ready...

Quatre: go do your thing, Heero

Heero: but......I don't want to! she *scares* me

Trowa: you're afraid of a little girl?

Heero:*turns on Trowa* she is NOT a little girl! she's a demon sent by Shinigami!

Duo: no she isn't! my demons are more intelligent and prettier! 

Trowa: Duo, he meant the REAL Shinigami.

Duo: I AM the real Shinigami!

minna: riiiiiight.....

Heero: fine. I'll do it. *walks out from behind the van*

Relena:*finally spies Heero* there you are, my nut bunny!

Heero: don't touch me you...what did you call me?!?

Relena: my nut bunny!^-^

Heero:O_O;*cough, sputter, gasp, gag, blink, stare* 

Relena: it's my pet name for you!

Heero: you.....sycopathic, skitsofrentic, pacifistic moron!

Relena: oh, Heero! I just love it when you talk dirty to me!

someone snickers from behind the van 

Wufei: she is as weak and as stupid as they come

Trowa: I wonder what Heero's thinking...

Duo:*snicker* probably 'oh my God, she is a dumbass'

Heero: OMG, Relena. you are a dumbass

Duo:*grins* I have ESP!^-^

Relena: and your pet name for me can be...

Heero: dead as a doornail

Relena:*blinks* that really doesn't go with my outfit...

Heero: how about...stalker?

Relena: eh...no

Heero: then how about obsessive compulsive?

Relena: what does THAT mean?!?

Heero: *sigh* never mind...

Trowa:*whispers* it's perfect for her

Wufei: baka onna

Relena*shrugs* whatever. let's get it on, nut bunny!

Heero: O_O;;;;*panics* get away from me, psyco!

Duo:*jumps out form behind van* you heard him, Bitchcraft! get away from MY man!

Quatre: look at the steam coming out of Duo's ears!

Relena: what do you mean, 'your man'?1. Heero is not gay 2. he belongs to me!

Duo: I don't think so, you flat chested slut!

Relena: *gasps*

Duo: *points knife at Relena* die, Peacecraft!

Relena: uh oh, Heeeeeeeeeeeeerrrrrrrrrrrroooooooooooooooo save meeeeeeeeeee!!!!!!!!!!

Heero: *whistles a funeral march* in your dreams, freak

Duo: *lunges at Relena* meet your maker!

Relena: aaaaaaaaaaah!....ouch!

Duo: *stabs Relena in the chest*ewwww, what did I hit?

Relena: my implants! you bastard!

minna: *blinks* 

Quatre: well, I can see that surgery did NOTHING for her...

Wufei: someone got a kleenex?

Trowa: here, Wufei*hands him a tissue*

Wufei: thanks, Barton

Quatre: she is flatter than my youngest niece!

Trowa: and how old is your youngest niece?

Quatre: nine

Trowa:O_o;

Heero: she is sooo unattractive....even I can see that....and I'm gay

Relena: whhhhaaaaaaaaaat?!?!?!?!?!?!?

Duo: most of us are gay, ya know. didn't ya notice?

Relena: Heero can't be homosexual....he's MINE!

Duo: will you shut up?! you have a fricken knife in your chest for God sakes!

Relena: but you hit my implant, it didn't do any internal damage...my poor implant...what did it ever do to you!?

Duo: *pulls out knife* gross, silicon on my beautiful collectors' knife!

Heero: what's that enscribed on your knife, Duo?

Duo: oh...*mumbles*my trademark

Quatre: inspects the 'trademark' awwww, it's a kawaii bunny with a sythe!

minna: O_O;;

Relena: hey, I'm still here

minna: *crowds around her* we've had enough of you, so ja ne!

*points weapons at Relena, and attack*

Duo: *stabs stomach*

Trowa: *shoots her in the leg*

Relena: owiee! Heero, kiss it and make it all better!

Wufei: are you gonna stand for that, Yuy?

Heero: hold on....* goes over to a bush and pukes*ewwww....kissing Relena!

minna: -_-;

Quatre: I've never really liked you, Relena.

Relena: *sniff* really?

Quatre: *throws teddy bear at her*

Relena: aw, how cute, Quatre!*catches bear*

bear:KABOOM!!!!

Relena: *sigh* first I get a bad hair du, my meeting went bad and they're gonna start another war, and now my love has been brainwashed by some gay freak claiming he's 'Shinigami'! this hasn't been a very good day for me!

Heero: *points gun at her* Omae o korosu, Relena Peacecraft

Relena:*smirks* you never seem to be able to pull the trigger

Heero: watch me

Relena: I know you love me, Heero-koi*-*

minna:-_-;;; she never will get it

Heero: *pulls Duo over, and proceeds to make out with him*

Wufei: damnit, Yuy! this is my last tissue! I gotta cut down on the salty french fries and greasy bacon, my blood pressure is way too high!

Relena: get off my Heero, you homosexual pervert!

Duo: mmmph mmf mmfmmph mfmmph!(translates: but I'm not doing anything!)*starts to suffocate from lack of breath*

Heero:*breaks kiss, wipes mouth off*you, me, and the handcuffs tonight, Duo!

Duo:*grins from ear to ear* you got it...koibito!

Wufei: seems we have to deal with a horny Yuy. anybody got a nice, cold bucket of ice water?

Quatre: I do!*pulls out a bucket from behind his back*

Trowa: hey, how'd you do that? 

Quatre: I'll show you later^-*

Wufei: gimme that bucket

Quatre:*hands bucket and continues staring at Trowa*

Wufei:*tosses bucket at Heero, and it hits Relena*

Heero:*smirks* nice aim

Relena: brrrrrr.....now I'm cold and wet! the day get's worse!

Wufei: shut up, onna.*pulls out nun-chucks and hits her arm, breaking it*(a/n think evil brainwashedTamahome)

Relena: owowowowowowowowow!*cries out*

Heero: she is such a wimp

Relena: Heero killl meeee pleeeaaaasssseee!!!

Heero: hai

Gun: bang!

Relena: *falls to the ground dead(as a doornail hehe)* X_X

Duo: *singing*ding dong! the bitch is dead!

Trowa:*pulls out his own gun hidden underneath his hair and shoots Relena again* just had to make sure^-^

minna: *sigh* glad that's over with

Duo: now lets go home and celebrate!

Heero:*slumps against Duo* she's dead, no more nightmares, or stalking, and no more phones ringing while we're in the middle of...

Wufei and Quatre: Heero!

Heero: hehe, sorry. I forgot about the high blood pressure and sensitive ears-_-;

Duo: I get the gist^-*

Wufei: can we stop by the grocery store and stock up on kleenex's? I have a feeling that I'm going to need them-_-;

minna: hehe

END

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JT: it's kinda stupid, but we enjoyed writing it

JH: WE?!?! I wrote it all!

JT: well, I gave you ideas, so there

*our friend Quatrina pops in*

Quatrina: stop fighting, please!

*Quatre pops in*

Q: omg, you are acting just like me!

Quatrina: really?*blushes*

Q: you even blush like me!

JT and JH:-_-;;;;;GET OUT OF OUR FIC!

Q and Quatrina: ok ok, don't yell!

JH: now back to the argument, before we were so rudely interrupted...

JT: I deserve just as much credit as YOU!

JH: wanna bet?

JT: yeah!

JH: ok....*Duo and Trowa pop in*

D: I'm think JH should get more credit

JH*gets all starry eyed* yay! *glomps Duo*

D: I just love fans*grins* ^-^

T: well, I think JT should get a little more credit

JT:*ego rises* well, I see I have another vote...*smirk*

JH: so?!?

(and we go on and on and on)

D: go JH!

T: go JT!

*JH and JT stop fighting* catfight!

*JT waves her magic fanfic writer wand, and Duo and Trowa disappear*

JT: well, we've annoyed the readers long enough(if we still have anyone reading this) 

JH: so we'll go away now, please R and R!

JH and JT: Ja ne!


End file.
